you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
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