Swine flu. Run for my life!
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
These tits shall not be calmed
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
