dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
