i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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