So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
