My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
