i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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