so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
