omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
