I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
