why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize