did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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