I think I died a long time ago.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
