I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Randomize
