I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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