I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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