i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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