At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
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