why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize