i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Randomize
