yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
