dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Randomize
