I faked an abortion last night.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
