Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Did you just see the Batmobile???
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
