Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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