i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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