There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize
