he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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