sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize