I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Randomize
