Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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