that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize