You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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