dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
