You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
