but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
