Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
I take back everything I said about communal showers
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Randomize
