She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
