I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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