Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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