My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
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