I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
