His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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