Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
