I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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