listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize