You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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