Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
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