i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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