The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
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