My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
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