If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
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