Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
