After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
someone owes me an orgasm
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Randomize
