can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
