im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
