Where is the hickey?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
