So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
