genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
