when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
she told me i tasted like america
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
