Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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