I met the friendliest cop last night
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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