I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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