She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Randomize
