I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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