Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
