woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
